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A Parent's Role in Putting a Stop to Cyberbullying

As kids take bullying online, parents can give children the guidance they need to avoid big trouble.

Dirty names. Repeated harassment. Extreme embarrassment. Every adult knows the signs of bullying when they see it, but today's parent must be especially vigilant to know when and if their child is involved in an incident of bullying. The Internet and widespread use of mobile devices has contributed to the rise of cyberbullying, the repeated use of digital media to pick on another person. Cyberbullying takes place over the Internet and mobile devices in ways that could be completely hidden from the knowledge of parents, guardians and school staff.

How It Happens

The intent of the bully has not changed over the years. Take a look at how cyberbullies use new technology to accomplish the same telltale deeds of other bullies:

To tarnish someone's reputation – Traditional bullies used gossip to talk about a victim behind her back. The cyberbully uses technology to create a hurtful Web page about a victim or post a nasty comment about her on a social networking site, such as Facebook. Multiple Web sites could be used to post this information, and cyberbullies could share the link to the information to spread gossip quickly. A cyberbully could also steal someone's username and password and post disparaging information on the Web behind the guise of another person.

To threaten someone – Traditional bullies would harass or stalk a victim by repeatedly watching her, following her, or calling her over and over on the telephone. A cyberbully accomplishes the same tasks using a cell phone, instant messaging and email address, by repeatedly calling the victim or sending hateful text messages. Messages can flood a victim's email account or her profile on a social networking site.

To expose someone's identity – Traditional bullies would cause damage to someone's private belongings or residence. The cyberbully can draw negative attention to a victim by posting his personal information or private photographs online. Any digital photos could also be altered to misrepresent, mock and humiliate the victim.

Cyberbullying can happen for a number of reasons, and it is interesting to note that it is not always intentional. At times, children may not even realize that they are involved in a case of bullying, and may be unaware of the consequences of their actions. Four types of cyberbullies have been identified by Wired Kids , and parents can be watchful for these types of behaviors in your child and their friends:

  • The "Vengeful Angels" see themselves as righting wrongs, or protecting themselves or others from the "bad guy" whom they are now victimizing.
  • The "Power Hungry" want to exert their authority, show that they are powerful enough to make others do what they want, and some want to control others with fear.
  • The "Mean Girls" are ego-driven bullies who are bored or looking for entertainment.
  • Finally, the "Inadvertent Cyberbullies" may be pretending to be tough online, or role playing, or they may be reacting to hateful or provocative messages they have received.

Why It's Worse

While bully-type personalities may not have changed over the years, the tools they use can cause a great amount of widespread damage quickly, and without the need for many resources or extensive planning. In the past, parents may have moved or changed their child's school in order to escape the worst cases of bullying, but the effects of cyberbullying reach beyond the boundaries of neighborhoods and school districts and are harder to fix.

At first, it can be difficult for a victim to know the identity of a bully, due to the ease of setting up email accounts and the ability to anonymously post commentary on the Internet, through Web pages, blogs, chatrooms, and social networking sites. Thus, the bullying can be prolonged if the victim does not know whom to blame. This anonymity of the Internet can give a cyberbully the impression that her actions cannot be traced, and therefore she may behave worse than if she were easily identifiable. Methods are available, however, to trace Internet activity and the use of mobile devices, so the victims of cyberbullying need to be level-headed about saving any evidence in case the incident would lead to an investigation.

Cyberbullies can inflict greater, more permanent damage than a traditional bully. Through the Internet, a cyberbully can attract a broad, even global, audience for embarrassing or harassing a victim. While we embrace the Internet and mobile phones for making communication incredibly accessible and instant, the cyberbully abuses these aspects to cause harm repeatedly to a victim without mercy. Not only can the number of bullying incidents increase, but any mockery, lies and humiliating photographs that are posted on the Internet can live there for a long time, becoming "digital dirt" that could later be found by future neighbors, friends, and potential employers. "Digital dirt" may tarnish a victim's reputation long after she thinks the bullying incident has been forgotten.

Sadly, cyberbullying can be devastating, and some tragic cases have become widely known from national and international media coverage. In 2008, a teenaged girl  was lured to a house and severely beaten by classmates who were enraged about gossip the girl had posted about them on the Internet. In 2006, the disparaging words and mockery posted on MySpace to 13-year-old Megan Meier  ultimately drove her to commit suicide in her bedroom.

What To Look For

As a parent, you would like to believe your children are largely well-behaved and have the best intentions to avoid trouble. This may be true, but children generally lack the life experiences and wisdom of adults, and they are often put into situations where they can be overly influenced by friends and the events around them. It is the responsibility of parents to address the topic of bullying with children, even if the child does not mention any problems. Your child may feel ashamed if she is the victim of a bully, and she may try to keep the incident a secret. Also, it is not safe to assume your child is not playing the role of a bully in a situation, despite your wanting to think the best of her. The world is full of new and exciting situations for children and their natural impulses may not be ethical ones.

As you watch your children, try to detect signs of them being a bully or a victim, and address both types of situations.

Signs your child may be cyberbullying:

  • Displays intolerance towards others.
  • Becomes excited by conflicts between others
  • Seems to derive satisfaction from other's fears, discomfort or pain
  • Frequently uses the computer or mobile device
  • May use a number of different online accounts
  • Doesn't want to talk about what they are doing on their computer/mobile device
  • Immediately closes a window on the computer when someone approaches

Signs your child may be a victim of cyberbullying:

  • Suddenly stops using the computer or keeps a mobile device turned off
  • Becomes nervous when an instant message, text message or email message arrives
  • Looks angry, upset or depressed after using the computer or mobile device
  • Doesn't want to talk about what they are doing on their computer
  • Immediately closes a window on the computer when someone approaches
  • Talks about revenge
  • Frequently complains of illness (headache, stomach ache, etc.) which may have psychological reasons
  • Becomes withdrawn from friends and family

What To Do

There are many pro-active activities and discussions that parents can have with their children in order to avoid incidents of cyberbullying or to address any early signs that it may be happening.

How to protect your child:

  • Talk with your child about netiquette, how to behave and communicate politely over the Internet and mobile devices. Importantly, teach children to never say something about someone online that they wouldn't say to that person face-to-face. Bullying others, online or in person, is never appropriate behavior.
  • Make sure your child understands that comments and images posted on the Internet can be long-lasting and have a global audience.
  • Teach your child to keep the passwords to their online accounts private. Create passwords that are a combination of letters and numbers and are difficult to guess. Passwords should not be shared with friends, not even a best friend.
  • Talk to children about how to handle strong emotions, such as anger. It is never appropriate to send a message or post a comment on the Internet when you are angry or emotional.
  • If your child receives an angry or taunting message, teach them to refrain from responding and to tell a responsible adult. Responding to these types of messages could encourage a bully to continue to pick on the victim.
  • Know how much time your child is spending on the Internet and mobile device.
  • Enjoy the Internet with your child. If you are unable to sit down together at the computer, at least know what activities they are doing online. Consider installing parental control software to monitor your child's activities and limit the Web sites that are available.
  • Encourage your local schools to educate the students on cyber ethics and the law.

If your child is doing cyberbullying:

  • Come up with a punishment for bullying and enforce it fairly and consistently.
  • Help your child learn to deal with anger and frustration in ways that do not hurt others.
  • Coordinate a way for your child to make amends with the victim.
  • Ask for help from the school or a counselor if the bullying continues.
  • If contacted by a school or parent, remain calm. Do not become angry or defensive. Listen and make sure you fully understand the problem, so you can work to help your child and any of the children involved in the situation.

If your child has been cyberbullied:

  • Save any evidence of the cyberbullying.
  • Do not punish your child if she is the target of a cyberbullying incident. Cutting off your child’s Internet access will not solve the problem and may make your child feel like she is being punished for the incident. Reassure your child that she is not the cause of the problem.
  • Do not overreact. Partner with your child to come up with a solution.
  • Try to identify the cyberbully. If email addresses, web pages or cell phone number do not immediately reveal the culprit, the cyberbully can sometimes be identified through tactful discussions with other adults in the community. Bullies may reveal their identities to others offline, even if they committed the cyberbullying anonymously.
  • Teach your child to ignore teasing that is merely annoying. Bullies are less likely to repeat the bullying if they do not get a reaction.
  • If confronted by a bully, teach your child to make assertive statements, such as "No" and "Stop teasing me." Assertive statements can be effective, but aggressive statements that seek revenge can make the situation worse. Make sure your child knows the difference between these two different responses.
  • If your child's classmates are involved, work with the school to enlist the help of school administrators and all the families involved to remedy the situation.
  • Contact police if there are threats of violence, extortion, hate crimes or sexual exploitation.
  • Contact an attorney or file a claim in small-claims court. The parents of a bully can be sued for defamation, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Parents need to use their wisdom and experience to know when to address a child's problems with their peers. Playful teasing over instant messenger and a one-time argument over email are not forms of bullying. However, when teasing, humiliation, and embarrassment are repeated again and again, it is time to step in. When it does happen, work with your child and your community to find a quick and safe resolution.

References

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